shoot...

...I am deficient...

...and, on a brighter note, summer has officially found me.

in a world where God plans and good books burn

I had a million great thoughts today. I can't think of any of them now that I am nearly falling asleep....I hate that.

I swear, God is not my God if predestination is real.
Homosexuality and the Bible in the same sentence confuses me to no end.

There are so many things that the world is dealing with that I easily forget about because I never experience them. I was reminded by a dear friend that I don't have these conversations often enough. I could live on them like frogs live on lily pads.

Elsewhere in my thoughts, ever-present.....
There is still only one person whose mystery, still, more than anyone else's, intrigues me-does that mean I am crazy or need to focus on God more or that you are waiting too? I am no longer easily disillusioned because of you, but your illusion is like a good book that I can't reach and I have no idea how many pages I have until the end. It's sitting way too close to the fire...the flames are creeping in toward the pages so that I feel like I may never get to finish the story. It makes me sick to my stomach.

faux fruit and lies

Today I encountered an annoyance. I'd like to say it was more than that, but really, then I'd be over-dramatizing the fact that I was simply too lazy to read.

I think the situation I encountered today has a history, though. I think that the health craze that's been going on for probably longer than I've been alive is the culprit... though from my short vantage point of 21 years, it seems like the health craze has gotten more extreme since I've gotten older. Granted, I must give lee-way for the years that I was unaware it even existed which makes the spike in the health craze much more dramatic in my own mind.

Anyway, I was on my merry way through Meijer, practically jogging. I was feeling good about my pace and trying to relieve the cognitive dissonance I felt about not working out and the fact that I should work out more by telling myself that this speedy jaunt and the vegetables I was buying were as good as a 30 minute visit to the gym. Nice try. Even faking that argument sounded ridiculous in my head.

So I've got a heaping basket full of mostly healthy food hanging from my arm cutting off the circulation as I make my way up to the check out. (With the weight of the thing, I was still calculating the extra calories that I had burned from the dairy aisle to the front of the store...) I decided the moment I had walked through those automatic doors that I would be treating myself to some sort of drink. This never happens. Strike that. This rarely happens. It's a big deal, and I want to do it right.

I begin perusing the drinks. Don't want pop. No tea- hate cold tea. *where's the regular flavored water?* No sugared flavored water. *I've seen the commercials. It would take a whole 'nother 20 laps around the store to burn off a water!* No, no, no. Fine. Juice will do. Sugary but sometimes its a serving of fruit. Snapple? *Yes, this looks perfect and it says "immunity" on the front. gotta be good for ya* Snatch the Snapple and run since I was literally beginning to feel my muscles split where the skinny handles of the basket were cutting in.

It's not until I get into the car to enjoy this lovely treat that I so painstakingly chose that I read on the label: "Juice Drink"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

10% Juice, it says. This just doesn't make sense to me. The label has pictures of real fruit- pinapple, and oranges, and mangoes and all sorts of ridiculous tropical fruit that is supposedly smashed into the bottle. AND A MAP in teh background...as if this was delicately chosen fruit from around the world. But no. It should have been a picture of a mound of sugar with a lake nearby. Oh, and maybe a pea-sized apple somewhere in there. That's what this bottle contained.

And I drank it.

Thank you Snapple for lying to me. I trusted you. Oh, and thank you health craze for letting it get to this point.

crash and burn

"My greatest fear
is that you'll crash and burn
and I won't feel your fire."
--Nickel Creek



Everything inside me says I'm wonderful except the paths that you keep crossing. That's where my mind is wearing thin.


(If I could buy an old car painted in sky blue or cherry red...I would. Right now.)

I painted tonight. I stayed up too late doing so. I am ok with that right now. Tomorrow, my story may change.

This underlying theme in my life, as of late, involves anything old: cars, music, moments. I can't get past the sound of tree frogs and I can't see the stars without thinking about things that make my heart flutter and make my stomach churn. They make me want to leap as high as I can as if maybe they'll let me join their little club in the sky. I can't think about summer without feeling myself cruising down the country road with mosquitoes flying in my open windows and fireflies greeting me at the corners when I'm forced to slow down. I can't think about summer without thinking about the lake. The carnival. Lemonade and hot pavement. Good-byes that took far too long. Without aching so bad.

...but I'm so good. it's a great view. I just wish it came with a time machine.

lovely delusion

Just a reminder:
Jesus calmed a storm. All we have to do is ask. ( I am practically Jupiter- storms everyday)

Jesus felt his power leave him when a woman touched His robe in faith. All we have to do is believe.

Jesus has an easy yoke and His burden is light. All we have to do is loosen our grip.


That's all........right?


You'll probably never know, and hopefully I'll eventually forget, that if you asked, I'd say yes. Only because I hold vivid pictures in my head that I flip through when I need a pick me up or when I need a shot of nostalgia like a mostly harmless drug. You are still my summer, and, for some reason, I wish it would stay that way forever...just as I imagine it. You still exist only as I imagine you to be and not as you are. Perhaps that is love.

Perhaps that is delusion.

wish list

I wish I had cravings to do homework more often than I have cravings to eat donuts.

I wish that toilet paper never ran out, just like an Everlasting Gobstopper.

I wish the penny I found in the crack of our wood floor was the key to a secret door in our apartment.

I wish cars didn't make funny break-down noises.

I wish that gray days were optional.

I wish I could jump so high that all my friends could see me waving to them where ever they were.

I wish I were working on my homework and liking it. patooey.

toss up

--its always a toss up...

... take the highway back to the apartment or drive through downtown--



Tonight I took the highway. Tonight was a big picture kind of night. From the highway, you can see all of Grand Rapids for about one minute...one glorious, profound minute. You can see how small you are for one humbling minute. And suddenly, it didnt matter how tired I am going to be tomorrow. Life goes on, the cars keep driving, people keep buying their coffee in the morning and their beers after 5.

Sometimes that is reassuring.



Sometimes you just need to stand on top of a building in the middle of the night to feel real again.